Freedom. What an extraordinary word. I’ve been thinking about that word today and what it really means. I’m not talking globally, about socio-political things – although I guess those things do filter down to the individual.
I’m talking about little individual freedoms and why we limit those in ourselves. Has it to do with our upbringing or our fears? You see, the freedom I was thinking about today relates to being able to make decisions without having to consider anyone else. By anyone else, I’m talking about people close to you. Years ago I bought a pair of boots that cost half my salary. I knew that by buying those boots, I’d be pretty short on food for the rest of the month. But it was my decision and I was the only person that had to be considered. I couldn’t possibly do that now, because there are other mouths to feed, other pairs of shoes to be bought.
The desire to sell everything and go on an EatPrayLove expedition is strong. But, I can’t. But why can’t I? What could possibly be stopping me? My fear – not of the unknown, but of hurting the known (and half my stuff is being used by those I am honour-bound to consider). You see, because of who I am and who I have been told to be, I find it very hard to not consider the people around me. But is that to my detriment? Am I sacrificing my desire for others?
And is that a bad thing or a good thing? Where do you find the balance between self sacrifice and pure unadulterated selfishness? How do you get to be on the perfect line of being free while still maintaining the good parts of the status quo?
I’d like to take that road instead of this road, but so often I just go on the road I’m supposed to be on in case I hurt or worry someone.
It’s frustrating, finding the freedom within. My thoughts are free. My fantasies are free. But my life doesn’t reflect that freedom inside. In fact, the more I think about freedom, the more the walls of reality close in. Perhaps the key is to stop thinking about freedom. But then where would I be?
So, here’s to all of you out there who live free. Who can think and be free. Those who have managed to get the balance right. I’m pushing for that – perhaps one day soon my thoughts will break out into actuality and the whole seam of my existence will shift and change.